Tadaima

When I'm nervous, I'd start conversing using English. So if you're in a one on one convo and I started using English all the way, you'd know that I'm in a pinch.

It's been quite a while since I returned home. No, I'm not speaking in the term of returning to a house where I grew up, or live. I'm saying in the context where I can fully be myself, at ease, and off with the masks. Before getting there, let's return to the focus which is the time frame, the period. It's been a freaking while, 5 years and 6 months since I last been home. Loads of stuff have taken place and somehow, I was able to survive them without returning and letting all out to keep my thinning sanity, if any is left. Stumbling on a map I've kept at nose length, I had a nervous laugh. And... Guess what, I'm here. 

The past years have been rich. Drama, life twist, bucket list are some to name a few. Still, there is that period of lost. A maze that'd entrapped me within, not letting myself find a way out, or I'm just purposely not letting myself out? Lost, that word or concept should not be in my dictionary, I know where I want to be, I know what I need to do, and in a way, even if I need to crawl with the limbs of my body, I'd make it there. It's much better to die trying then turning back and wagging my tail off. I AM NOT LOST! Or so I thought. 

insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results. 

Perhaps, it's exactly because I know not the word Lost, that I am there. Since I assumed that I'm on a clear path, that I'm stranded. Now, I'm having dinner with lost just to get to know it better, to let her in as an acquaintance, and reserve her a place in that book called dictionary. Now, assuming that I am now acquainted with Lost, let's hope next time I'll notice myself being with lost and deal with it accordingly.    

So where was I lost all these years? Annoyingly, somehow at a certain maze, where every time I 've almost reach a way out, the maze twisted, changing the structures of the maze and leaving me somewhere at the start, again.  

Taken from somewhere in Google search images

The period of 2013 to 2016, where the roller coasters peaks are the steepest and the slopes are sheer. Work was fine, had one of the best supervisors, SoShi coming over for concerts, a business trip to Seoul, attending a wedding in the rural of Kalimantan, snorkeling in the thousand islands, and. Tying a commitment down a commitment, or at least that's what I expected. Oh yeah, the honorable mention, people say that the 5th is a charm, a scholarship. Now the slippery slope or I like to better mention it as the heel of the cliff.  The times when I have to return to hometown to deal with a family problem, failing my 2nd, 3rd, and 4th attempt at scholarship, and commitment is just a word. Albeit we humans speak the same language, we don't understand it the same. It's not about what we mean, it's about how it was perceived. Thus, the early periods end. 

The choice was between EUR and UCL, guess what, UCL never stood a chance. Not that UCL is worse that EUR, no way! It was simply because I was too lazy to deal with the applications and drama that might ensue. I was already spent with shits that's taken place in that building. Nope, not the building in the pictures, don't bother, if I started, you won't hear the end of it. Moving on, classes were challenging, the wind was even more. This is especially true if you dare to challenge yourself to go against the wind while being behind in class schedule. The air condition that they left outside the houses set to the minimum temperature. Or those depressing feelings when you are chased by your thesis defense knowing that you have passed; first, your original deadline, and second, knowing that your verblijf is coming to an end soon. Issues and problems persist, of course. But shits happens everywhere, you either suck it up and deal with it or break down. 

Well, at least there is a silver lining in every cloud a.k.a there's your theme line. I won't dare to say that I was living in adversity, but at least I knew I was living in difficulty. When you're abroad, far from your comfort zone, piggy bank, and trusted ones, you need to find a way to survive. One way to do that is having a support system, even if it's some 20 minutes ride by intercity plus 10 minutes ride on a tram. You learn who to depend on, who you can trust, and those who'd just want to take you for a ride. You just know and hone that instinct of yours, you either built tolerance and understanding, or you'd just want to keep a kitchen knife and stab someone with that.  

Is there a chance in hell or heaven
That there's still something here to build on
Or do you just pick up the pieces after they fall

Returning home at the end of 2017 and living 2018 was the kruisspunt. Sometimes as much as you stretch your body hoping the deadline will stretch together, it won't come to fruition. 2018 was that year, an intersection, a cross point, a point of no return, or call it whatever you want. A decision had to be made, even if there might be victims coming down. There were, and there was nothing that can be done for it. Life goes on, the sun still breaks in the east and sets in the west. Things changed, but people are strong, they adapt, add the experience they have in their database, and survive. I guess.

The last 5 months? Other than the last month, it was barely worth mentioning. Still, the reassignment of sections is a welcomed change. At least, I'll have more peace of mind, I did. But, only for a while.

There are no chances of me falling when I've been cautioned!
(Credit: taken somewhere from Google search, as always) 

Sometimes I can be an Idiot, the biggest Idiot out there who never seemed to learn his lessons. When you see a rock, a big rock, down in the middle of the road, you clear it out, ensuring people or at least yourself, not to get tripped due to it. Then again, sometimes you just need to remember, that you are not unique. You are just yourself, and you need to get back to the basics. This half of 2019 was supposed to be about that, not about tripping yourself down the road on a big rock in the middle of it. 

Sigh..... it's not that you are stupid, you're just an Idiot. Sometimes, it is indeed true that it is hardest for us, to eat and gulp down our own medicine. Perhaps, the more bitter they are, the better they will cure your stupidity.

And now, coming to the end of this long rant post, when I read this in a couple of months or years time, would I be grinning from ears to ears, snickering at myself, or rolling from sides to sides as someone else would be reading it with me. Ah well, too much pondering kills, there's only so much that you can control. Deal with what we can, the rest? Those are exogenous factors if they're meant to disrupt they would, if not they won't.

I may have left enough new furniture and cleaned up a bit. Time to dust me, and get moving.

p.s.: this is an incoherent rant, not complain without any clear theme.

Sunday, May 19th 2019